Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't!

[recoder]

• I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for thirty years.
• Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• I'm already visualizing duct tape over your mouth.
• I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
• Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose.
• Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
• Back off! You're standing in my aura.
• Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
• I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
• Wait. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• Earth is full. Go home.
• Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
• I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• I'm NOT stressed out. You're just extremely annoying!.
• Have a nice day. Somewhere else.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be?..
• Do I look like a people person?
• This isn't an office, It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Errors have been made; others will be blamed.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• CHAOS, PANIC, AND DISORDER -- my work here is done.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?